Drinking Distilled Water and other short stories

So I have just come back from New York City and I absolutely bloody loved it. I would pick up sticks and move there in a second if I could. But there were a few odd things that I noticed over the two weeks that seriously got me questioning some people’s judgement…

1. Why are there gaps between the doors and walls of toilet cubicles?

I really don’t feel all that comfy sitting down for a tinkle when I feel like the queue of women outside can see me get half naked and sit on the golden throne. And speed and efficiency of putting the things together is not a good enough excuse. This doesn’t happen anywhere else.

2. Continuing the theme of toilets; why is the water line so damn high?

There is a true and real fear of some serious splashback and I am only talking about going for a number one. I don’t want to accidentally dip my hand in the loo thank you very much.

3. Why are there holes in the pavements?

Okay not really holes. But massive, scary, I-could-fall-to-my-death-right-now-if-these-collapsed grates in the ground. I saw many many people purposefully avoiding walking over them because one day the laws of gravity will avail and someone is going end up in the sewer. Hold on tight to any personal possessions too; if they disappear down the holes they will be gone forever.

4. So many dogs. So many dog walkers.

Central park is full of people with multiple red leads being pulled around by dogs of all shapes and sizes. To be fair this is my idea of absolute heaven but why do so many people own dogs in a city with small apartments and virtually no garden space? And then they pay other people to look after (doggy day care galore) and walk their puppies.

5. Lack of chip and pin.

FRAUD MUST BE SO DARN EASY! Seriously, if I was that way inclined I would be all over this. I mean, the FBI CIA and whoever else probably have their means and would come down on my like a tonne of bricks but hey. I would like to input that PIN I was given so that people can’t steal my money. Sure swipe my card and take however much money you like trustworthy deli on the corner.

6. What is with these dooming medical adverts?!

Literally every other advert (‘commerical’) is someone talking about my possible illness, suggesting a new potential medicine I should be using and then reeling off a list of side effects ranging from an itchy rash to a slow painful death. If this is what a private healthcare system looks like we should be very very afraid.

7. There was a large milk carton shaped bottle of distilled water in the fridge. Why?

I’m not even sure whether we were supposed to drink it; maybe it was for the kettle or the iron or something thinking about it in hindsight. It felt like a chemistry lesson gone wrong. Drinking ionless water so that our bodies don’t react and spontaneously combust. I dunno, maybe it’s a superfood or something.

So mini rant over, New York is still one of the best cities I’ve been to and my holiday blues are still shining bright. Take me back soon please!

Peace, love and the glorious wonders of the United States of America.

xx

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